Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur is once again upon us. And I, like so many Jews and non-Jews alike, hate not to eat.

Yom Kippur in Israel is a bit different. Nobody drives. I mean, NOBODY. People walk to synagogue in the middle of the street. Sure, the sidewalks are empty, but you can walk in the middle of the street without getting hit by a car, for chrissakes! That's something to experience! On normal days, you can't even get that guarantee if you're on the sidewalk! Hell, you can't even get that guarantee if you live in a ground floor apartment.

We atone for our sins on Yom Kippur. Compared to our current government, my sins are so miniscule it doesn't even seem justified to fast!

Let's pray next year will be better. Let's pray the Palestinians will wake up and say, "Hey! This murdering stuff ain't getting us anywhere!" Or "Hey, you mean we're starving to death, and Yasser Arafat's wife is getting $100,000 a month spending money?! What's THAT all about." Let's pray Arik Sharon starts caring about all of us that live INSIDE the Green Line. Let's pray the Likud can become honest. Let's pray Labor WAKES UP! Let's pray we can go for more than three weeks without a labor union strike. Let's pray Shinui draws the line somewhere. ANYWHERE!

Well, it's worth a shot. Right?

My next post will be after I get rid of my caffeine withdrawal headache.

Charley

Here We Go Again

Well, the idiotic Arabs just did it again. They blew up a bus on French Hill. And why? Because that's what they do. Let's remember, these are not human beings we're dealing with.

And we'll retaliate. And it won't do any good.

And the world will blame Israel.

Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

Happy New Year

Every newspaper here has made their New Year predictions, hopes, and dreams. And me, being as inclusive and starved for affection as I am, do not intend to be any different. So, in this year, I have my own predictions.

I predict that there's going to be more than me reading my blog.

I predict that there will be 12 school strikes; 17 government agency strikes; 1 ports strike (that will last most of the year anyway); and a partridge in a pear tree.

I predict SOMEONE from the Likud will tell the truth...about ANYTHING.

I predict SOMEONE from Labor will take a stand...about ANYTHING.

I predict Natan Sharansky will continue to do anything to keep that Volvo of his.

I predict Shinui will keep a campaign promise.

I predict the Yesha (settlement) Council will finally understand the term, "DONE DEAL".

And I predict that despite everything else...and I mean EVERYTHING else...Israel will continue to be the best place in the world to live.

Shana Tova

Charley

Worth Fighting For

So, now the word coming out of the settlements is that they're demanding the soldiers disobey their orders when it comes to evacuation time. And if they obey those orders, we just may have a civil war on our hands.

And who can blame them? I mean, here is a minor section of our population that has been living on the dole for a good long time and now the majority is saying "enough is enough". It would certainly get me mad.

There's a huge uproar because the government is saying they don't have the money to pay municipal workers' salaries. And yet...you don't hear about that happening in the settlements. Down south around Be'er Sheva they don't have enough doctors to care for all the people. That doesn't happen in the settlements.

Ninety-nine percent of the terrorist attacks happen inside the Green Line. Not in the settlements.

Oh...and taxes? Well, they don't pay 'em over there.

So if someone threatens to take all that away from you, you're probably not going to take it lightly.

Well, you know what? I'm tired of it.

Let the games begin.


Charley

Crimes Against Humanity

The headline in today's Haaretz reads: "Rightists Say Evacuation Is A 'Crime Against Humanity'"

So, since we've gotten to the point where we can trivialize the most horrid accusation civilization can think of, usually saved for genocide, I've decided to add some things to the list.

I'm joining the Rightists. What the heck. They're a small minority and yet they seem to be above the law and run circles around every ounce of democracy, so they must have the correct idea. Therefore I'm telling you, and I truly believe it to be true...that...

The last speeding ticket I got is a crime against humanity.

WELL IT'S TRUE!!

And while we're at it...paying forty shekels for a movie is a crime against humanity! And those damn intermissions we have here in the movies. Talk about crimes against humanity!!

Have you ever stood close to an ultra-religious gentleman (Haredi) wearing a long black coat on a hot August day and had to inhale? That smell is definitely a crime against humanity.

Oh! What?! Like I'm the first person to have thought it?

We all have a list. We should all use it. And make sure you list them all as crimes against humanity.

That way we can all be as blatantly stupid as those Rightists. It's fun!

Ask 'em.


Charley

Less Than Human

Terrorists just blew up two busses in Beer Sheva. More innocent people were killed. And please don't tell me about the peace process, and the Palestinian struggle, and how this would all stop if they only had their own state. If you believe that...you're an idiot.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the Palestinians having their own state. I'm all for leaving Gaza and much of the West Bank. And once this is done, and they have their own Palestine, I'm all for going in there with guns blazing because when they pull a stunt like this after they have their own state, it's one country attacking another country. And then all bets are off.

I hate the term "terrorist". It almost gives it legitimacy. It sounds like a profession. It sounds noble. It sounds powerful. Like having the ability to inflict "terror" in others.

A more appropriate monicker would be "scurvy"... or "slimeball". I'd much rather see the report on Fox News reporting of another Slimeball blowing up a bus full of Jewish people because the Slimeballs hate Jewish people.

The people that are responsible for this...from the planners all the way to anyone who sympathizes with their "cause", are less than human. I'd say they were animals, but (to paraphrase Groucho) that would be unfair to all the other animals.

So, let's not kid ourselves. These things will not stop once the Palestinians have their own country. The reason?

"Because," said the Scorpion to the Frog, "that's what Scorpions do".


Charley Warady

Moron Of The Week

Well, it's that time again. A new inductee into the Moron Of The Week Hall Of Shame.

And this week's hands-down winner is Rabbi David Saperstein. Saperstein is presumably the head of the Reform movement's Religious Action Center. Evidently it doesn't take a genius (or anyone with any common sense) to fill this post.

You see, Rabbi Saperstein has petitioned a letter to the Congress of the United States to refrain from passing one-sided pro-Israel resolutions. I'm guessing this is because the rest of the world is so pro-Israel, we don't need the United States. It would look too unfair?

Of course, the American branch of Peace Now hails this action as a major victory. For those of you who are not familiar with the Peace Now movement, they're the ones that believe we really only need Tel Aviv (and not all of Tel Aviv...just a few choice hotels along the beach will be fine if that's okay), and the rest we should give to the Arabs. Saperstein, on his few visits to Israel, has stayed in those hotels, and agrees.

Reform Judaism has always had a tough time establishing a foothold in Israel. There is a common phrase in Israel that goes, "The synagogue I don't go to is Orthodox". Reform, in its early days, were anti-Zionist, and they spent a good many years trying to distance themselves from that stereo-type and become Zionist. Reform has tried to become recognized as far as marriage ceremonies and even conversions in Israel. They have tried to become a place for Israelis to go to worship. Now thanks to Rabbi Dave that just ain't gonna happen.

Thanks to Rabbi Saperstein, he has single-handedly set Reform Judaism back ten steps.

Nice goin'...........moron.

Tail Wagging The Dog

People like Reuven Rivlin, and Silvan Shalom crack me up. These two guys are the leaders of the "rebels" within the Likud. They don't want a coalition government, nor do they want a disengagement. Evidently terrorism, occupation, and being an international pariah works for them.

Anyway, they're screaming at Prime Minister Sharon that he has to do what they say, because they lead a bunch of loud mouths and corrupt settlers. They're screaming that he is merely a part of the party and that people voted for the party and not for the individual.

They should be required to divulge what kinds of drugs they're on.

The Likud won a sweeping victory for one reason, and for one reason only. And his name is Ariel Sharon. He carried the party, and it's because of him that Mr. Rivlin and Mr. Shalom are being carried around in Volvos as we speak. But like so many co-stars in so many hit television series, they think they can do anything and the people will follow them.

Well, it just ain't so.

Ask anybody from "SEINFELD".

A Dangerous Place To Live

I know by reading the title of this blog most people outside of Israel will think I'm talking about Israel. After all, family and friends alike shy away from visiting me here because I live "in such a dangerous place". People usually begin their emails to me with a phrase similar to "hope you're safe". Tourists that come here are considered either brave, crazy, or both.

On the other hand...if you listen to Israelis converse, you'll hear something quite different. You see, we know it's safe here. We know it's actually safer here than anywhere in the States. I have heard more than a few times a conversation that went, "You're taking a trip to the U.S.? Are you nuts? Please, be careful!" Between the terrorist alerts, the rampant crime, drive-by shootings...and more terrorist alerts...I'll stick to Jerusalem.

Last Wednesday night I was on Ben-Yehuda in the heart of downtown Jerusalem. Throngs of people were out and participating in a street fair. Was security high? Obviously. Did I notice it? Not at all.

So, for all of you staying away from Israel because of "the situation"...hope you're happy underneath your bed. Oh...and don't get out. Osama is watching YOU!

Passing Notes

Being the insider that I am, I've been fortunate enough to have intercepted some notes being passed around the Knesset in the last couple days. I know we shouldn't pass around notes, and it's impolite, especially when you're supposed to be paying attention to what's going on at the front of the room. So, as any teacher would do in a grade school, once the note has been confiscated...it's read in front of the entire class.

Here they are:

Note: "JUMP!"
From: Ariel Sharon
To: Tommy Lapid (Shinui)

Note: "HOW HIGH?"
From: Tommy Lapid (Shinui)
To: Ariel Sharon

Note: "JUMP!"
From: United Torah Judaism (UTJ)
To: Ariel Sharon

Note: "HOW HIGH?"
From: Ariel Sharon
To: UTJ

Mr. Flip-Flop

Tommy Lapid, the head of the political party Shinui, single-handedly put the party on the map. Tommy was a popular television personality, as well as a media mogul. He took the struggling party, and with promises of defeating the blatant stealing of money by the ultra-orthodox, bringing honesty back to government, ending religious coercion, and refusing to sit in a government with those that don't contribute to army service, he led Shinui to become the third largest party in Israel.

Because people believed him.

We gotta stop doing that. We gotta stop believing these politicians that....well....never mind...we just gotta stop believing these politicians.

Tommy Lapid, the head of the political party Shinui, today, single-handedly took the party off the map.

He said he'd sit in the government with United Torah Judaism. This is a party that refuses to do army service. This is a party that manufactures yeshivas so they can steal money from the public's coffers. This is a party that, if they are to join the government, wants all the money back that was taken away from them as the result of Shinui's legislation.

But Tommy says including UTJ in the government is necessary for the disengagement. What disengagement?! Sharon hasn't even removed a single illegal outpost!

Come election time, Shinui's voters are going to go to the polls and have only one thing on their mind (because, I promise you, the next time we vote, we'll still have no disengagement). These voters are going to say, Tommy promised us everything and gave us nothing. He's just like all the rest.

They're going to lose all those seats they gained.

You can thank Mr. Flip-Flop.

Moron Of The Week

This week's "Israelism's Moron Of The Week Award" goes to Silvan Shalom. You may ask (as do many people in Israel, as well), who the heck is Silvan Shalom? There's really no reason you should know who he is. He's only....ISRAEL'S FOREIGN MINISTER. He's the only foreign minister I've ever seen who doesn't really like to leave the country. People have heard of Benjamin Netanyahu (a previous foreign minister), and Shimon Peres (a previous foreign minister), but Silvan Shalom can claim the rights to being the worst foreign minister in the history of our fair land. He's now very busy tearing apart Prime Minister Sharon's foreign policy and appearing at podiums everywhere denouncing the prime minister. Not exactly in the job description, I would say.

The above, in and of itself, would make Minister Shalom eligible for the Moron of the Week Award. But the knuckleheaded move he made when he just fired Consul General Alon Pinkas, makes him by far, in a moron class of his own.

Alon Pinkas, based in New York, appears on American television as the Israeli spokesman. I have watched him on Fox News Channel many times while sitting in my living room in Jerusalem. He is the most articulate, well versed, and interesting proponent of Israel that I have ever seen. He is our most effective weapon against the very well oiled Palestinian propoganda machine. He has a sense of humor and is able to relate Israel's stances without being beligerent or confrontational. He is the definition of a diplomat.

And Silvan Shalom fired him. Why? Because Silvan is scared of losing his job when there is a unity government. He likes his Volvo that he gets with the job. He likes getting the best seats in restaurants. He likes Silvan Shalom. First, last, and everything in between. So, what better way to throw your weight around than to fire somebody? And you don't even have to leave the country. Because nobody likes a foreign minister who leaves the country.

So, to Foreign Minister Silvan Shalom, this week's coveted Moron Of The Week Award goes to you.

Mazal Tov.

The Coalition Shuffle

And the marionettes are dancing.

You'd think that at 147 years old, Shimon Peres would be too old to do the Hokey Pokey. But there he is putting his left foot in...and taking his left foot out. Putting his left foot in....taking his left foot out. We only have to worry that when he "shakes it all about" nothing falls off.

Hang on, there's the head of Shinui, Tommy Lapid, playing musical chairs. "I won't sit with the ultra-religious....I might sit with the ultra-religious...I won't sit...I might sit...." Now remember...when the music stops....your voters might want to know.

The Likud, in the meantime, is bringing back the grand ol' days of disco with their own rendition of The Hustle. "Sure, you voted for us because you wanted peace and a disengagement....well....that'll teach ya!"

And Prime Minister Sharon stands high above, holding the strings. He stands high above the law. He stands high above spoken promises. He stands high above public opinion.

Welcome to ISRAELISMS. Damn, this is a fun country!